and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
