If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
