Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
