I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
