I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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