after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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