Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
