im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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