And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
