remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
