if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
