Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
