one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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