hotel room ftw
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
two words...techno handjob
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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