I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
