Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
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Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
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did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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