Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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