Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
