your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
