I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I wish I only lived at night.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
