thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
