The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
