I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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