Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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