woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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