You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
