You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
