Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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