she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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