life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
