the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
