Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
