Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
