God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
