high people should be assigned attendants
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
