The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We need to get me chipped asap
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
