Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
there is glitter all over my balls
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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