Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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