I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
