I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
