now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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