my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
