6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize