Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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