i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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