Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
