i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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