Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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