just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
