Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
