Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
