So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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