If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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