theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
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I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
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I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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