My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
