alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
