i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
