The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
