Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
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