Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
